Cassidy Anderson

Okay.

I long
I ache
I breathe you in
And I can’t take it
I’m nervous
I’m twisted inside
I love you
I can’t have you
It’s troubling
Right?
You don’t want me
Like I want you
I need you
But you don’t need me
My aching heart doesn’t understand yet
Don’t worry
It’ll learn
Years apart
It’s fine
I don’t want to lose you
So I stay silent
And it’s fine
Don’t worry about me
You’ll be fine without me
Please
I just can’t take a beating to the heart
I’m more fragile than you thought
So, if you don’t feel the same
Just fade
Don’t let me know
Say nothing
Smile
Say it’s okay
Ignore me
I’ll understand
I know
I promise
Just be gentle
Be discreet
Leave me in silence
That’s something I know
Let it drift
Let it fade
Let us fade
I’m a friend
Not a lover
That’s okay
It’s okay
We’re okay
Be okay
Okay.

Windows

I'm flipping tables
Clearing shelves
I vomit
But I don't clean it up
I keep moving
I smash plates
Glass sparkles
But it doesn't calm me

I scream and cry
I claw at my skin
And pull at my hair
I shake and tremble
Hate, anger, loathing, sadness, and grief
Are feelings let free
I throw lamps
And break pictures

I rip apart the beds
Feathers are everywhere
From pillows that have been torn
I tear down the walls
Rip up the carpets
I smack my hands on the mirrors till they crack and I bleed
I try to smash the Windows
They don't break

I try and try and try, nothing
I can't escape
I can't cause chaos outside
I scream harder
Tears cascade down my face faster
I hit it with small statues, and vases
They smash, but the window,
It doesn't break

I grab a chair and throw it at the window
I brace for impact
Nothing
I fall to the ground in frustration
I screech like an animal
I sit up
Rock back and forth on the floor
Tiny pieces of glass stick to me

Specks of blood paint my skin
It mingles with the dried blood from my hands
I stop to look through the window I couldn't break
I hang my head

Noise.

I smile
I laugh
I say nothing
I'm straight faced
I do nothing
I act
I pretend
My eyes are empty
Soulless
Because
They’re the Windows I can't break

Cold

My hands are numb
My body's cold
My heart is like a rock I need to go home
People say I've been dead for awhile
I say they’re wrong because I can still smile
They say it's not funny I need to move on
I say I can't, I love the sun too much
It's ok it'll be warm where you're going
You don't understand for the things that I've done aren't helping

Photo of Cassidy Anderson

Cassidy Anderson is a member of her father’s tribe, the Coquille, and her mother is part of the Oneida. She is currently in school at North Central College working towards getting her degree in Human Resource Management. She is going to be part of the school’s women's chorale, is playing on the Lacrosse team, and works on the school's literary magazine, 30North.